2012-01-02T16:35:00.000-08:00

34 Pieces of wisdom I have discovered in 2011 that will carry into 2012 (because I'm too tired to count to 100):

Romantic comedies are great to watch with girlfriends, but terrible to watch alone on the couch with wine at the ready.
Quitting smoking can suck balls. The only thing worse is having that "I'm caving in" cigarette with complimentary guilt...complete vertigo effect that inevitably follows... and the vomiting that comes after, free of charge.
Hobbies are only actually considered hobbies if you continue them. If you start one and drop it two weeks later, it is considered an activity dating period, not a hobby.
High school reunions are best spent with your closest friend from high school. And in a different state from where the actual reunion is taking place.
Using a fake accent in a new bar is fun. Getting bagged by someone who knows you from the past with said fake accent in said new bar can be difficult to explain.
If you laugh when a toddler says "shit" for the first time, prepare to explain yourself to his parents weeks later when it is still his favorite word.
"Liquor before beer, you're in the clear" is not an accurate rule.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and I'm an even bigger moron for letting you fool me a second time in the first place.
New cities are a fantastic way to blow off steam. Just make sure you make friends with the bouncer before you have your first round of shots.
You can be promoted three times in one year. You can also be fired three times in one year (don't worry "Devlin", I won't out you). When it comes to work, keep your head down and bust your ass.
Tae-bo is much more difficult ten years after high school, but you still look like the same "I'm not playing basketball so I have to do this crap" idiot when you do fake round-house kicks followed but upper-cut, high-top sneaker squats.
Your liver is not as strong as it was in college, so stop acting like it.
Just because you still fit into your junior prom dress does not make it ok to wear it to a formal event ten years later. (The girl who sold it to you saying it was a "timeless classic" was a lying bitch. It is totally out of fashion.)
Mark Harmon (Gibbs on NCIS) is the ultimate silver fox. Sorry gentlemen, but it is true. Can't fight that one.
Long talks with mom at night via cell phone always make you feel better, even if there is a slight argument somewhere in the discussion.
Dryer sheets - no matter how great the are, they do not take the stinky feet smell out of slippers.
Las Vegas may be expensive, but it is well worth the trip. And if you go, see Absinthe. And stay at Mandalay Bay. Just sayin'.
Short haired dogs may make your peacoat look sub-par, but they are wonderful snugglers.
There is nothing wrong with being an adult who loves watching animated movies.
Don't watch animated movies with your boyfriend's family and repeat every line as it is said. It can be embarrassing.
Do watch a mid- to late-1990's chick flicks with close girlfriends and repeat every line as it is said. You will be a champion.
Snagging the centerpiece from someone's wedding can make for a delicate drive home. It can also make for a great impromptu romantic dinner with someone special.
Get a meat thermometer.
Don't cook chicken wings on the night of a special event. Meat thermometers don't work on chicken wings. And bad chicken wings create vomit. And vomit ruins your special event.
A box of fancy chocolates is a great work gift. A box of drug store chocolates guarantees your boss a chocolate filled with crest white strip bleach or pecans from 1972.
Buying a sibling's children toys that make annoying noises only creates an avidity for torture later in life. This can include the following

Whipping out an embarrassing photo at an important family dinner.
Discussing your lack of tweezer usage during high school.
Both numbers 3 and 4.
Numbers 3 and 4 followed by some kind of physical altercation that includes UFC wrestling moves, finding old toys from the Gem age, or explaining how your first two cars ended up with giant dents/scratches/police citations.

Watching "The Bachelor" doesn't make you a sap. It makes you an idiot for thinking that true love is realistic in constantly free, expensive, tropical setting.
A man who plays piano or acoustic guitar is worth your time...and maybe, just maybe, worth your heart.
Liking Coldplay does not make you gay. It makes you deep, emotional, and worthy of Seth Green movies.
Disney films may have hidden animations, but they do not have hidden agendas. (Example: Even if The Little Mermaid has a big penis on the cover, that doesn't mean that all girls with gills want your junk. Sorry, but it's the truth...)
Trojan condom commercials are not realistic. Women do not want a man in Greek armor fist-bumping guys in khakis about their condoms.
Men!!! Buy Bareskin Trojan condoms. They are fantastic. Just sayin'.
Bare skin, when spoken, may sound like bear skin. However, it does not mean "bear skin".
Having someone drive you somewhere in a limousine doesn't make you famous or special. It makes you $600 deeper in your wallet. Having said that - if you want that, bring friends in said limo... and charge them.

Exacerkated